Operation Lightspeed

Power Rangers: Lightspeed Rescue, Episode 1

Original Airdate: 2-12-2000

Last Time: I finally rid myself of Leo and the rest of those damn Galaxy Rangers. My reward: Joel......damnable producers.

In some far-off desert, presumably in the Middle East given the incidental music and the accents of the people, three guys find an ancient tomb. So, first scene of the season and the writers have already run out of creativity and are falling back on stock plots? That's probably not a great sign. Anyway, the men go into an underground chamber and open an ominous-looking sarcophagus. And a bunch of evil spirits are released. Credits! I don't know if I love or hate this theme music.

The demonic spirits head to Mariner Bay, this season's town of adventure, and start causing trouble. Down in the aquabase, we see shapely pair of gams. They belong to Dana, the soon-to-be Pink Ranger. She explains to Captain Mitchell, her father, that the demons have come for Mariner Bay. Captain Mitchell decides its time to bring out the morphers and conscript some young adults.

First up, the Sky Cowboy, Joel. You know, with a description like "Sky Cowboy," you know it's not going to be good. And he's got a cowboy hat, too? Christ. He's accoosted by some mysterious men in black and taken away.

On some mountain face, we have our next future Ranger, Kelsey. She is....shall we say....in very good shape. The men in black take her away too. At Sea World, or some generic counterpart, Chad is working with an orca before he too is abducted by the merciless men in black. Finally, Carter is fighting some fires and looks exactly what you'd expect a stock protagonist to look like. The fires today, however, are controlled by a demon, and that sets Carter back some. Carter is taken away by Dana and the men in black, and that should complete the team.

Elsewhere, the demons have built some sort of evil ziggurat, although all ziggurats are pretty evil, I suppose. Diabolico, the boss, helps lay out the situation. They all serve Queen Banshera who isn't present, and they have to tend to her infant son, Impus. Also, there's a big dude named Loki and a hot chick who can't act named Vypra. Got it? Great! They have to blow up Mariner Bay to free the Queen or something.

The future Rangers, meanwhile, are being taken by helicopter to a sub that then takes them to the aquabase. That seems...inconvenient. Anyway, the Rangers disembark on the base and it become clear that Dana has a slit in her skirt that ensures that I get a good look at most of her left leg whenever she moves. I can't say I disapprove. Joel starts hitting buttons and causing alarms to go off. God damn it, Joel, I hate you so much.

They all head to a conference room and Captain Mitchell starts to explain. Joel immediately interrupts him and accuses him of kidnapping. You know, Joel, the man has his own secret underwater base, I don't think he's particularly worried about the cops. Captain Mitchell claims that they're all free to go and Joel immediately tries to leave. A guard blocks him and Captain Mitchell explains that they're free to go after his pitch.

Captain Mitchell explains that 5000 years ago, the area known as Mariner Bay was occupied by evil demons. Then some warlock trapped them in a tomb, but they're loose again and someone needs to stop them. Captain Mitchell has invented a whole raft of weapons and an aquabase to fight the demons. Kelsey points out that this whole premise is completely idiotic, but we're stuck with it and Captain Mitchell brushes her off. Joel decides he's going to make another break for it. Carter, however, saw a demon earlier, and Captain Mitchell shows footage of demons attacking the town. Everyone agrees to help. Captain Mitchell hands out this season's morphers, and explains that he's also sending his daughter out to fight the demons. Captain Mitchell may not be a very father.

Anyway, the Rangers also get matching jackets and a high-tech vehicle to transport them to the scene of the monster attack....a Humvee! Wait, a Humvee? Really? So, you had the technology to build an aquabase and some morphers, but all you could come up with was a Humvee? Captain Mitchell, for shame! The Humvee speeds through some tunnels into town and runs into the first monster of the season as well as some new mooks. They're called Batlings and look horrible. That is all you need to know about them. Anyway, it's time for the traditional mook fight. Carter, however, has no respect for tradition and immediately tries to run the monster down with his Humvee. It doesn't work and he should feel ashamed for not playing by the rules of the game. The Rangers are losing and Captain Mitchell has to explain, as nicely as he can, to use the damn morphers. The morphing call this season? "Lightspeed Rescue" Okay, that may literally be as uninspired as is humanly possible.

The morphed Rangers tear through the Batlings and shoot the monster with their blasters until the demon dies, unmourned and unloved. They de-morph and are feted by the people of Mariner Bay, and later, the crew of the aquabase. Captain Mitchell explains that Diabolico has about a billion more monsters to throw at them and kills the buzz quick. Everyone salutes the captain, because this season is all about the paramilitary. Show Over!

Next Time: A Joel episode? Already? This season is going to bury me.