Power Rangers: Wild Force 101

Now, there is an argument to be made that Wild Force isn't really that much worse than any other season of Power Rangers, and that the only thing protecting earlier seasons of the franchise from similar scorn is some sort of nostalgic haze. Incidentally, those people are wrong, this is season is awful, and remains so even if you are only allowed to compare it to other seasons of the show. I'm sorry, but it's true. Take it away, Saban:

Recording Begins

Saban: Judd, where the hell are you?

Intern: Um...Mr. Saban? Judd Lynn quit months ago.

Saban: What? That's impossible! Why would he quit?

Intern: He said that you forcing Jen to return to the future instead of being with Wes ruined his vision of the show, and that he could longer accept such working conditions.

Saban: Seriously? Well, it's just as well, he'd try to stop me from going through with my....plans to save the show.

Intern: (worried) What plans?

Saban: You see, the franchise isn't doing so well, and Disney is poised to swoop in and steal it from me. For a while, I was stumped, but, just a few nights ago, I was inspired by something I saw on TV.

Intern: What did-

Saban: A little movie called The Producers. Now you see in that movie, some guys decide to make money by intentionally putting on the worst play they can find.

Intern: Which part of that were you planning to follow?

Saban: If I make a season of Power Rangers bad enough, then maybe I can tank the value of the franchise so much that Disney won't want it. It can't fail.

Intern: I...hesitate to bring this up, but the titular producers' scheme dramatically backfired and they ended up going to prison.

Saban: Oh, really? I only saw the first half of the movie. Eh...whatever, I'm way smarter than that Zero Mostel anyway, I was never a goddamned pinko, that's for sure.

Intern: What? I don't-

Saban: Don't you worry your pretty little head over it, now, we need to assemble a dream team of shitty characters, bad plots and whatever else we can do to take down this season. Hm....what's the Sentie footage for this season about?

Intern: Er....I think it's pronounced Sentai and-

Saban: Don't care!

Intern: -And the season has a nature theme again.

Saban: Well, we tried putting animals in space once....it didn't work, but it wasn't quite bad enough to kill the series. No...I need something stronger....Wait! I've got it, what about some sort of obnoxious eco-friendly theme?

Intern: But the Rangers constantly fight with giant, city-destroying machines....that's not very environmentally conscious.

Saban: Bah! It's brilliant is what it is, but a show can only be as bad as its characters. Now, I want the Red Ranger to get a lot of screentime this episode....with a lot of emotionally charged scenes.

Intern: Okay, we can do that....how about his parents being killed by the main villain?

Saban: Well....the censors'll fight me over it....but then again, I'm not making this season to make any friends. I love it! But we'll need to find an actor of extra-special loathsomeness. Remember that kid who played Leo?

Intern: Yeah, that wasn't great...

Saban: It was a fucking disaster, but at least he could act, imagine a character that painful to watch, except played by a guy so untalented that in three years he'll be a contestant on a VH1 reality show, and in eight his only means of employment will be as an exotic dancer.

Intern: Sir, it's only 2002, VH1 hasn't actually started producing terrible, terrible reality shows yet.

Saban: Eh, you get my drift. Anyway, I have the perfect actor lined up for the part of Leo, the Red Ranger...yeah, you want to make him a white dude raised by Native Americans just to really drive the point home?



Intern: My God sir....that hair, that headband, what are we doing here?

Saban: We're making history, son....history. Now, we'll need a Black Ranger. I think the character could be a florist.

Intern: So the Black Ranger is a woman this season?

Saban: I never said that....no, why not make a male florist....that kids'll love that!

Intern: But sir, no young male would willingly get his parents to buy an action figure of a male florist, I know that we should be fighting against stereotypical gender roles but-

Saban: And I want to make him a total spazz.

Intern: An endearing spazz.

Saban: Ha ha ha....no....the other kind, the irritating kind.

Intern: I....even the still picture is mildly annoying to look at....it's....incredible!

Saban: That's right, I'm not fucking around this time. Now, as for Blue Ranger...well, why the hell not make another spazz, but this time with a youthful naviete that is completely at odds with the age of the character playing him?

Intern: I'm not sure I understand.

Saban: I'll have the writers write the character as twelve year-old and then cast a twenty-five year-old to play him.

Intern: Well, yeah, that could work....but I don't know, I'm feeling bad about purposefully creating such an...abomination. Would letting Disney take control be so bad?

Saban: Intern, don't you understand what Disney would do to the Power Rangers? They're planning to move production to New fucking Zealand, and bring in local actors to play Rangers.

Intern: Well, they could probably use fake accents, I mean, how hard is General Midwestern to copy?

Saban: I don't want to find out. Now, onwards! We need a Pink Ranger who's screechy and-

Intern: It's....actually a White Ranger this season.

Saban: Oh....okay, well, then we need someone who isn't White to be screechy and generally a pain in the ass.

Intern: Wait, why can't it played by a Caucasian.

Saban: Hey, I learned my lesson with the original Black and Yellow Rangers, now I don't know if I could get away with it this time, but I don't want to find out, because somehow I don't think people who complain about discrimination against Whites is apt to be very reasonable.

Intern: Eh.. good point.
Saban: Okay, so, what's left? A Yellow Ranger....damn it, this is where me and Judd never could figure out what to do. Hell, we've tried everything: A jungle girl in a loincloth, a suspiciously well-muscled ditz, I can't actually remember what we did last season-

Intern: Er...it was Katie, she was really tall and had super-strength.

Saban: Oh, yeah, but she never actually used it in battle because we didn't have any footage for it....heh....good times.....

Intern: I know you miss Judd but-

Saban: (Furious) I don't miss that traitor! (calming down) I just....wish he were still here....

Intern: You have me, sir.

Saban: As far as I know, you don't even have a name. Hm....a team full of losers and assholes...what if we had one competent team member, and then demoted her in the very first episode....and she were a woman, so the demotion would seem even worse. Yeah, Cole could just show up from nowhere to meet the team under the leadership of Tayler, that's her name, and then the mentor figure would instantly give him her job!

Intern: Would the mentor have good cause?

Saban: Not in the slightest....not in the slightest....

Intern: Right, so who is the mentor that fucks over Taylor, anyway?

Saban: Oh, I had a thought about that as well....we're going to eco-friendly route, right?

Intern: Yeah...

Saban: And what says eco-friendly more than an aging hippie princess who lives on a floating mountain and appears to constantly be on some sort of powerful controlled substance?

Intern: That sounds awful!

Saban: Oh, and she sings....a lot.

Intern: Does the actress have a good singing voice?

Saban: Let's just say, her voice will leave a lasting impression on viewers-

Intern: Oh, God-

Saban: Much like the atom bomb made an impression on Hiroshima.

Intern: Yeah, I got that....

Saban: Right, now we need a villain. Now, what's the opposite of a hippie princess, oh, and she's literally a princess, too.

Intern: Er...some sort of objectivist businessman?

Saban: Wrong! The correct answer is a doughy Russian with an impentrable accent!


Intern: (sobbing) My God....what have we done? We've....this...I...no....no....NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Saban: We did what we had to do, Intern, what we had to do...

Recording Ends