Lionheart

Power Rangers: Wild Force, Episode 1

Original Airdate: 2-9-2002

Last Time: Time Force happened, and I already miss it because I know what's coming.

Credits! (Note: From here on out, there are no more cold opens, so I'll have to stop doing that. Is there anything that Wild Force can't take from me?) Oh, and it's a shitty theme too, actually, they all are from here on out...

It's the Amazon rainforest and Cole is swinging on a vine with a chimp. Holy fuck, there's starting a season off on the wrong foot and then there's this. They eat some bananas and then Cole gets taken to an Amerindian ceremony, where his is given some trinkets that he was found with as a baby. Wow, they're really going whole hog on this Tarzan thing, huh? He gets sent off on a canoe with a voiceover telling us something about not finding what you seek or some rather shallow platitude of a similar nature.

Meanwhile in....what's the name of the city this season? Turtle Cove? Really? Anyway, a monster attacks Turtle Cove, and the White, Black, Blue and Yellow Rangers fight him, but the monster gets away with the help of a friend. Alyssa immediately suggests that they need another Ranger, but Taylor, perhaps knowing where this is heading, has confidence in the team as is.

The next day, Cole has paddled his canoe to Turtle Cove....from the Amazon...and according to the research I've done, Turtle Cove is in Colorado. Well, fuck. I mean, I ragged on Time Force, and I mocked In Space mercilessly, I called Lightspeed Rescue boring, I repeatedly claimed that Lost Galaxy was crap....but this....

Anyway, Cole is using a picture of his parents to find them by going up to people on the street and asking them if they've seen his parents. Oh, and he speaks perfect English....despite growing up in the jungle. Cole then climbs to the top of lightpole to get a better view.

That night, Cole finds a dog that manages to outact him, and goes to sleep on a park bench. But then he hears the dog getting taken away by dogcatchers and leaps into action! He tracks the dog back to an evil lab where the two animal control professionals put him in a cage. Cole frees all the animals and flees when the dogcatchers get back. Meanwhile, another character that you will grow to hate with a passion watches him in a magical pool of water. She calls the Rangers and tells them that she's found the answer to their problems, assuming their problem was "not spending enough time around weird jungle men."

The dogcatchers turn out to be Jindrax and Toxica, two Orgs (the monsters this season) who see their master return and are thrilled. That...will fade once you meet him.

Next morning, the Rangers track down Cole so that he can be inducted onto the team. He does not understand their city ways, until Taylor punches him in the gut and forces him to come along. Man, Taylor is the best.

Cole wakes up on a magical forest on a floating island where giant animal robots live. And their king is a giant lion. Now I know that there was a giant lion only a few seasons ago....but well...now there's another. The lion zord looks at Cole and realizes just how bad things are about to get. Still, he has no choice but to give Cole a magical gem.

But wait, the pain has only just begun, as Cole runs into Princess Shayla, who announces that the island is the Animarium and that Cole is now in charge of the Rangers. She introduces the team. Cole assumes that some sort of terrible mistake has been made....I share his concern. Anyway, they must defeat the evil Orgs.

And, wouldn't you know it, and Org chooses that moment to attack. Cole relates that the animals are scared. Christ, I'm starting to believe that Saban really was trying to sabotage the franchise with this season. Anyway, Taylor introduces this season's morphers: they're cellphones....fuck. And the morphing call? "Wild Access" I don't even know what the hell that means. I mean, I can't imagine a less likely way to get in touch with animal spirits than via cellphone.

Anyway, they attack the monster one at a time to introduce themselves to the audience and....oh, lord, they all have claws on their gloves. They still get beaten off, but the lion speaks to Cole and tells him to combine their weapons to kill the Org. Oh, and Alyssa's weapon is a baton. Anyway, one of the Orgs escapes to meet with Jindrax and Toxica, who promptly grows him to giant size. Shayla, in the first of many such instances, is completely dumbfounded by this turn of events. She's got to be the worst mentor in Power Rangers history.

The Rangers' gem and swords start glowing and Shayla explains that it's time to call on this season's zords. The zords come down to Earth...except one of them is a shark, who just kind of floats. The Org gets killed by a combined blast from all the zords. The voiceover returns to tell us how the adventure's just beginning. I know....God help me, I know. Show Over!

Next Time: Meet Master Org....he's some sort of evil Russian man in the goofiest costume you're ever likely to see! Wild Force!