Rally Ranger

Original Airdate: 5-05-97

Well, folks, it's time to for me to face my most daunting task yet, a Justin episode. Let's be honest, even by the standards of one of the more sucky seasons of a franchise not known for its quality, it's considered bad. I guess the real problem is that Justin is completely unlikeable, the actor playing him isn't very good, and since it's hard to get a stuntman that can convincingly double for a twelve-year old, his unmorphed fight sequences are faintly ridiculous at their best. But, hey, what are you going to do?

The episode opens with a thrilling downhill racer contest. Justin is racing some other kid, who promptly knocks Justin off of the track, Ben-Hur style. Justin crashes into a bale of hay at speeds approaching 5 miles per hour, and the other Rangers immediately race over to see if he's okay....and credits! (GOOOOO-AHHHHHHHH-OOOOOHHHHHHHHHH-AAAAHHH-OOOOOHHHH-WAAAAHH-OH!)

Lamentably, Justin turns out to be fine, but his downhill racer is ruined, and this suddenly reminds me of an old Simpsons episode. Anyway, Justin has to rebuild his downhill racer in time for the race tomorrow. Just then, the kid who knocked him off of the track shows up and is the douchiest kid that ever was, to the point of wearing a racing scarf. He mocks Justin's predicament and Justin himself. I know I'm supposed to root against him, but well, it's Justin. Justin mopes after being called an 'egghead.' I am pleased.

Down in the space-sub, Divatox plots to blow the downhill race track because.....well, I'm sure she has some reason. But, in the process of ordering her grunts around, Porto gets offended. In the garage, Justin is still moping about the 'egghead' thing and wishes he were dumber. Tommy fulfills his contractually obligated duty of giving Justin a pep talk, and it perks the lad right up. I hate Tommy.

Meanwhile, Porto runs away from home.

Anyway, Justin unveils his rebuilt downhill racer to the admiration of his fellow Rangers. How did do all of that work in one night? He "used his egghead." Everybody laughs and I how Kid-Douche finishes the job next race.

Divatox figures out Porto is missing, and is upset that her plan to plant a bomb at the racetrack has been delayed. Elgar volunteers to fix and set the bomb. We're sort of crawling towards a plot here. Back at the ol' racetrack, Lt. Stone is handling MC duties, and ChimpBulk and ChimpSkull have a plan to get everyone to figure out that they're really human. It involves sneaking into the race and winning, and therefore everyone will realize that only chimps with human brains could possibly navigate a downhill racer successfully. Hope springs eternal. Elgar shows up and plants the bomb on Kid Douche's racer, and sets it for two hours, for Elgar is nothing if not a man who believes in fair play and sportsmanship.

Kid Douche then saunters over to Justin, and I just noticed that Kid Douche is apparently wearing a pinstriped racing suit. I was not aware such things existed. Anyway, he taunts Justin a bit more, but apparently Justin's self-esteem has been restored and it affects him not! Elsewhere, Porto is determined to prove himself by growing to giant size and wrecking a scale model city. Kid Douche mocks Justin a bit more, and the race is about to start, but the Rangers get called in to stop the utter annihilation of Angel Grove. You'd think a giant monster attack would lead to some sort of postponement, but I guess after hundreds of monster attacks, the citizens of Angel Grove refuse to let the monsters win by changing their lifestyle, because they are true Americans.

Divatox is also less-than-pleased, as a giant Porto somehow screws up her plan to....do something, and orders Porto shrunk to regular size. Meanwhile, the Rangers race to the monster in go-carts. Why teleport when you can go-cart into action? Upon arriving, they try to kill Porto with their laser blasters. That doesn't work. They call in the Rapid Arsenal Mobilizer to get their power weapons, in a heroic attempt to cram as much merchandise into a single episode as possible. They don't work either, despite Tommy's bold strategy of charging directly at a hundred-foot tall creature with naught but a sword.

Meanwhile, the race is about to start, and Kid Douche notes, "It's almost too easy." Kid Douche is nothing if not consistent in his douchery. The bomb finally goes off and manages to....mildly damage a plywood racer. Oh, Elgar. Kid Douche's racer goes out of control. Back at the fight, the Rangers try out their Turbo Ram Cannon. It also fails. Divatox manages to shrink Porto down and spirit him back to base.

So, just to review, the Rangers failed to defeat Porto, repeatedly, and let a bomb go off in a kid's racer. It hasn't been a good week for the Power Crew. At the track, Kid Douche's racer is still out of control. This has to be about the longest downhill racer course in existence. Justin gets to his racer, rushes down the track (despite the fact that the racers are completely unpowered) and manages to save Kid Douche from certain doom. And by certain doom, I mean minor abrasions.

Kid Douche immediately repents his douchey ways, as Justin has now saved his life, sort of. Later, he sucks up to Justin some more, and hopes they can work on their racers together in future, because only now does he realize how awesome Justin is. You broke my heart, Kid Douche, you broke my heart. Bulk careens down the race track. Inevitably, an innocent bystander becomes covered in a giant smoothie. She dumps a smoothis on Lt. Stone in revenge. All present laugh at Lt. Stone's misfortune. Show Over!